oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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