Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
