Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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