My liver just broke up with me...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
