I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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