This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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