mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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