Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You've changed since you got that strap on
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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