Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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