The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
