Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
how drunk are you?
Several
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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