So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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