New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
