So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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