There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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