she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
