now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize