She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
