I'm passing your future prison.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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