Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
