R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
