Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
