life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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