You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
