Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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