So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize