so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
