I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
