If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
