True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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