Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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