he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he told me I talked like a deaf person
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
