Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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