I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
