please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
