Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize