no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
