i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
