you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
