i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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