My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
