Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
