some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
