I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
