I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
