I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
