Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
