I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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