Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
