Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
