Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
