I love black thongs
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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