Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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