So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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