she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
