I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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