Dude my mom stole all your condoms
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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