as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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