i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
