yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize