its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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