Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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