Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
